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Healthy Sex

a happy couple sitting together staring out the window

One in five couples is considered to be in a sexless marriage, which is defined by couples connecting once or fewer times every two weeks, with the majority of them connecting ten or fewer times per year. Today’s society has become hyper-focused on sex. You can’t leave your place of work without seeing some sexual ad bombarding you to buy some product that promotes a false sense of security. Television promotes the notion that the only people having sex are singles roaming from one partner to the next and that they are sexually satisfied. These causal hookups are glamorized to give the illusion that these individuals have figured out the secret to sexual fulfillment. Hollywood has made millions by casting sinful, destructive behaviors and presenting them as if they are not only right but blessed from above.

Premarital sex appears to be the norm today, but it certainly comes with great cost. Research overwhelmingly proves that cohabitating is destructive to the overall health of the relationship. Studies show the divorce rates of couples who have cohabitated before marrying are as high as 80 percent. Satan will do everything in his power to get couples to have sex before marriage and then does everything he can to get you to stop having sex after marriage. Ironically, minimal or no sex after marriage is just as damaging as having sex before marriage.

When exploring the sexual connection, one must realize it’s a part of the whole. Intimacy, which sustains a relationship, consists of many components, with sex being one of those components, albeit, an essential component. Marriage is the only relationship that will have the foundation of trust, commitment, intimacy, and oneness to sustain a healthy sexual connection.

Many times in counseling sessions, sex is brought up. Spending two minutes exploring a couple’s sexual intimacy sheds great light on the overall relationship. If a couple is connecting sexually, usually that means two things. First, the wife is connected emotionally. A woman will struggle greatly and will not be able to connect sexually if they are not connected to their spouse emotionally. Emotional connection is one of every woman’s greatest needs that must be fulfilled for her to be in a place to give freely to her husband. Secondly, if a couple is connecting sexually, the sexual needs of the husband are being met. The desire/need for sexual connection is usually one of the top three needs for men. This positive reaffirming action provides couples with great tools to move forward through any difficulty. Positive sexual connection contributes to 15% - 20% of the positive feelings toward the marriage.

Conversely, lack of sexual connection contributes to 50% - 75% of the negative feelings within the marriage. When couples are disconnected sexually, neither husband nor wife is getting their needs met. The overwhelming philosophy found within these relationships is “withhold until my needs are met.” Demanding from your spouse what you’re unwilling to give seldom works, especially within the sexual/emotional realm.

Connecting sexually is vital to any healthy marriage. Intentionally have conversations with your spouse about your needs. Realize that connecting sexually has a different meaning for each of you. Husbands, pursue your wife emotionally, which will help you gain access to her physically. Wives, pursue your husband physically to help gain access to them emotionally. Emotional/sexual connections are not an “either/or” situation to withhold from each other but rather a “both/and” to be offered freely within the marital context.


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